You Don't Have to Say You Love Me
by pitch-playbook
Summary: Takes place in the middle of S3E03, the Ice Nation murders Lexa and what that means for the Sky people, Clarke is afraid to find out. Clarke has to return to Arkadia and is reunited with Raven.


**A/N: I've had it in my head for a while that I wanted to write some happy Princess Mechanic, then Season 3 happened. This idea came to me as I was falling asleep after watching Episode 3 and I knew I had to write it. I'm impatiently awaiting Clarke and Raven's reunion so I figured why not write it, but with a twist. I hope you'll enjoy it. As always I really appreciate any feedback on my writing. If you want to make my day just take a moment and leave a quick comment or review or send me a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow) with your thoughts.**

* * *

Clarke lets out an audible gasp as it happens. It's so quick she can't stop it, no one can. With a swift kick to her chest Lexa's body flies out the window; the Ice Nation treating her to a taste of her own medicine. It was just yesterday when Lexa dispatched their delegate in the same manner. Clarke doesn't hear her scream. Maybe she's too shocked to make a sound. She doesn't hear it but she cringes at the thought of her body hitting the ground. It takes a few moments but then she hears the reaction, the people in the square screaming. It's not the same non-reaction the lifeless body of the Ice Nation delegate received just twenty-four hours ago. The Commander has fallen.

Clarke doesn't react, doesn't break down. There's no time. A horrified scream is stifled in her chest. They need to leave; her people need to get out of here. She doesn't want to think about how quickly the Ice Nation army will descend on Polis with Lexa gone. She doesn't want to think about the fact that Lexa is gone at all. What this means for the Sky people, her people is no doubt complete and utter devastation, there is no question. An alliance with the grounders was their best hope, their only hope.

"Run," she hears Octavia shout and Clarke snaps into action.

It's been no more than forty-five seconds, the other grounders, Lexa's people have the Ice Nation Prince and his guard held hostage, knives to their necks. Clarke wonders why they don't just kill them, but she knows why. Lexa's words echo in her head. She thinks about Finn. They want to torture them first. They must pay for what they've done to Heda and the price is higher than their lives; jus drein jus daun. They don't seem to notice as the Sky people make their hasty exit.

All she can hear are footsteps pounding down the stairs as she follows Octavia, Bellamy, her mother and Kane. The only thing louder might be the pounding in her chest. The staircase in the Polis tower seems endless, her legs are tired but she still doesn't make a sound. Just minutes ago it seemed like her people might find some semblance of peace in the near future. At least they would have had Lexa's people to fight alongside them if the Ice Nation wanted a war. Now there will definitely be a war and it's not one Clarke is sure they can win on their own. The Sky People are smart, and cunning and resilient but they are no match for whatever army the Ice Nation has been training for hundreds of years. She may have wanted to kill Lexa herself after she betrayed them at the mountain, but Lexa's death may mean the death of her people and she never wanted that.

"This way," Bellamy barks as they finally reach the outside of the tower.

They walk along a path for what seems like forever. Clarke can't tell where it leads, she probably had a bag over her head last time she walked along it. Wherever it goes, she knows it's out of Polis. She runs up to the two vehicles parked in a clearing, right next to the signs leading into Polis. She's running on nothing but adrenaline at this point, her heart beating faster by the moment. The only relief comes when they realize no one has followed them and there's no one around. It's strange and it's likely to be the calm before the storm but at this point none of them care. They just need to get back to Arkadia.

Clarke cringes as she roughly pushes the rotting corpse of one of her people out of the front seat of one of the vehicles. She doesn't remember his name but she remembers the smile he always had on his face. She hears a thud as his body hits the ground and roughly shuts the now corpse free door. She should be used to seeing dead bodies by now. She is the Commander of Death after all.

Bellamy starts the engine as Kane and Abby slam the back doors shut. The silence is deafening. Clarke wants someone to say something; anything but at the same time she keeps her mouth shut. What would she say even if she could speak? Lexa is dead? They all know that. We're doomed? They know that too. I'm sorry? She can't bring herself to utter those two words, even though she knows this whole mess, everything all comes back to her. Everything that has happened since they landed on the ground flashes through her mind; her chest tightens every time she gets a glimpse of Finn or Lexa. She feels a tear on her cheek before she can stop herself from crying.

She exhales sharply, she can't be crying right now. They have so much to do, so much to tell their people when they return. The flood of emotions can't start now but they have and Clarke is helpless to stop them.

She feels his hand on hers and he doesn't have to say anything. Bellamy squeezes her hand, taking his eyes off the road for just a second to make sure she's okay. Well, as okay as one can be when the Commander, and the girl she maybe, sort of loves has just been murdered in front of her eyes throwing her entire world into chaos. She just needs to be as okay as she can be in this moment. He cracks a small smile and she knows that he knows it is not the time to be smiling but he's doing it for her anyway. They still say nothing.

Her throat tightens as she sees the gates of Acadia, tall and solid. This isn't the way she had envisioned coming back to her people. She always imagined she would sneak back in during the night. No fanfare, no one to raise the alarm and let everyone know that Clarke Griffin had returned. This is a lot more frantic. She knows all hell is about to break loose and she's ill prepared for it. She left everything in such a state of disarray, left her people to deal with the aftermath of Mount Weather without her. She doesn't know how they'll welcome her back, if they'll welcome her back at all.

* * *

Mostly they just stare as she climbs down from the vehicle, as if she's a wild animal and maybe she is. All of the people who would have welcomed her back are currently climbing out of the vehicle with her. The rest of her people, they don't know what to say.

She hears her name.

"Clarke," escapes almost breathlessly from the lips of someone behind her.

As she turns around she seems Harper standing there, mouth-hanging open.

Harper knows all too well the horrors of Mount Weather and everything Clarke was trying to escape when she left camp. She wonders briefly if she blames her for leaving them all to face what happened in the mountain without her. She doesn't have to wonder any longer when she feels Harper's arms wrap around her body. Clarke's arms instinctively return the favor. She holds on for longer than she normally would. She's not even close with Harper really. Barely knows her at all but Harper is one of her people. She's one of the original hundred to come to the ground. The embrace means something, more than just a friend hugging another friend who has just returned from a long journey. Harper is relieved to see her still alive. Clarke Griffin is a symbol to the Sky people, as much if not more so than Wanheda is to the grounders. Clarke takes a deep breath as Harper releases her. No one else says anything, not yet.

The next thing Clarke hears is Kane's booming voice. He's gathering everyone together. They might as well make an announcement. No sense letting rumors fly around camp, at least any more so than they already are. Everyone talks in hushed tones as they gather around to hear whatever Kane is about to say.

"The Commander has fallen," he announces.

No time to mince words Clarke supposes.

There are loud gasps all around her. Someone in the back cheers loudly. Clarke isn't even surprised. The Sky People, her people are not the biggest fans of Lexa. Why would they be? She did leave them to die after all. Whoever that was, they probably lost someone in the mountain, or on the ark. It doesn't matter. Lexa and the grounders, they represent uncertainty and death.

"Lexa was killed by the Ice Nation," Kane continues, "and this means our safety is at risk. A war will break out between the Ice Nation and those in the coalition, that includes us."

His words are pointed. He may not have been a fan of Lexa but Kane understands what her protection meant. He knows they aren't safe without Lexa. They may have other grounders on their side, but not the one they need.

"The Ice Nation is coming, and we need to be prepared."

The hushed tones people had been whispering in grow louder. Clarke is prepared to hear the panic set it. They start yelling, hundreds of questions hurling at Kane seemingly all at once. Clarke takes this opportunity to skulk away. She needs to be anywhere but standing in front of all of her people. She can't take the fear in their voices, the confusion. She doesn't want to witness their reaction to what Kane has to tell them next. The Ice Nation has already taken the mountain and Clarke can't handle the cries of anguish the crowd will emit when they realize more of their loved ones are gone. They thought the horror of the mountain was over when she obliterated its people. The horror is just beginning.

"Clarke," Bellamy's voice stops her and she feels his hand on her arm.

It feels like a replay of the day, months ago when she walked away from him. She's about to walk away again, if only for a moment this time. She needs to be alone right now.

She swallows hard as she turns to face him. Her eyes say _I can't_ and he lets her go.

No one follows her. They know better. Even Abby.

She walks slowly toward one corner of their camp. She's looking for nothing but a quiet place to hide. She's been in hiding for months but she needs another day. She slumps down when she reaches the fence, her body collapsing to the ground. She's been fighting against this since the moment she saw Lexa fall to her death. Her legs don't know how to hold her up anymore. She pulls them toward her and lets her face fall into her hands. She lets herself break down finally, tears flooding her eyes, her whole body shaking. Clarke can barely breathe in this moment. Everything hurts. The loss of Lexa stings as much as the uncertain future of her people. In the morning they could all be dead if the Ice Nation wants them to be. Still, Clarke cries herself to sleep, alone and vulnerable. Maybe if this were her last night on earth that wouldn't be such a bag thing. Maybe her fight is over.

* * *

The light blinds her as she lifts her head out of her hands. Her foot is asleep on account of the awkward position she fell asleep in. Everything still hurts. She has a headache she that won't leave her alone and worst of all is the nagging pain in her heart. Even when she wanted to kill Lexa with her bare hands there was still something there. A connection Clarke could never shake. It stopped her from slitting Lexa's throat and now it weighs heavy on her heart. Lexa died thinking Clarke hated her, and Clarke can never change that.

She picks herself up slowly, using the fence to brace herself. She's cold. She probably shouldn't have slept outside but what was one more night. Clarke had almost gotten used to sleeping with a chill enveloping her body these last few months. Comfort was never her main priority when she was on the run.

It takes a second for her to register the person walking in her direction. She's limping and looks to be in a lot pain. Clarke hasn't seen that face in months. In all the chaos of yesterday she almost forgot about hearing Raven's voice for the first time in what felt like forever. Now she can't get Raven's pained screams about the mountain out of her head. She swallows hard. This is the reunion she is least prepared for. She doesn't know where Raven's head is at after everything. All she knows is that she left her and Clarke wouldn't exactly be happy with her if she were Raven.

When they finally reach each other the first thing either woman notices is the pain in the other one's eyes. They've both been hurting for a while, maybe since they stepped foot on the ground. Maybe since Finn's death, maybe after everything that happened in Mount Weather. Everything they've been through is too much to recall all in this moment. Neither of them says anything. Clarke just lets Raven collapse into her arms. She needs to breakdown as much as Clarke did last night. Clarke just lets her cry into her shoulder. Raven would do it for her.

"It's okay," Clarke whispers after a few minutes, even if she knows things are the opposite of okay.

Clarke wipes tears from Raven's cheeks with her thumbs and stares into her eyes. There are so many questions written on Raven's face that Clarke can't answer. She just keeps staring.

"It's okay Raven, it's okay."

She just keeps repeating it, maybe more for herself than for Raven's benefit. She needs to think that they'll be okay again. Okay if they have each other. Okay if they're prepared to fight the Ice Nation. Okay if they're okay with living out what might be their last days here on earth together. Clarke tries not to think about that. Last night she would have welcomed death with open arms. Today, she wants to fight.

No one approaches them as they lay together in the grass. Eventually Raven composes herself enough and Clarke helps her up. She notices how unsteady she seems on her leg. She sees Raven wince in pain as she puts weight on it but doesn't say a word. Raven is too proud. She doesn't want or need Clarke to ask her how she's doing. They both know it's not well.

Clarke can tell by the way Raven is biting her lip that she wants to say something. She probably wants to yell at her for abandoning them, for abandoning her. She probably wants to give Clarke a piece of her mind. Raven probably wants to say everything she hasn't been able to say to Clarke in the last three months. She wants to say something but Clarke cuts her off.

"Lexa is dead."

Clarke watches as Raven's face falls. She's never been Lexa's biggest fan; in fact Raven probably would have killed Heda herself if they had let her. She gave Clarke the knife the first time she had to think about killing Lexa. Raven hates everything about Lexa. Lexa is the reason Finn is dead, she betrayed them at Mount Weather. Lexa left Raven and everyone she cares about to die. Raven can never forgive her for that. Still though, it's not joy she's overcome with at the news of Lexa's death. Clarke reads a mixture of shock and fear on her face, along with a little bit of sadness and she wonders what she's thinking.

All Raven can think about is Clarke. She hated Lexa but Clarke loved her, or at least Clarke had very complicated feelings for Lexa. The same kind of complicated feelings Raven has for Clarke. She can imagine how she would feel if the news today had been that Clarke was killed. She knows how Clarke is feeling right now and she won't say anything disparaging about Lexa, at least not in this moment.

"What do we do without her?" Raven asks.

She knows that Clarke doesn't have an answer. If she did they never would have been working with the Commander in the first place.

Clarke doesn't let the words die escape her lips, even if she thinks that's the most likely possibility. Maybe the rest of the Sky People will live but Clarke, she's as good as dead. The Ice Nation wants the power of Wanheda, but the Commander of Death won't go quietly.

"Fight," Clarke decides on instead.

Raven smirks and it's almost as if no time has passed. This could still be the day after the mountain fell, the day after Clarke walked out of their lives, her life.

"Do you want a drink?" Raven asks her.

Clarke doesn't even have to say yes.

* * *

They walk toward what's left of the Ark in silence. That's the thing Raven might love most about Clarke, they don't always have to talk. Clarke is great to talk to, of course. Clarke is funny and smart and she can hold up her end of any conversation, even if Raven is blathering on about something complicated that Clarke has no idea about, she'll still say something. But they don't have to talk and Raven likes that.

She doesn't remember exactly when it was that she fell for Clarke. Maybe it was the first time she laid eyes on her. Clarke was the first person she saw on earth and now she kind of hopes she'll be the last. It might have been when Clarke said she'd pick her first. She'd pick Clarke first any day now. They've been through their rough patches but at the end of the day Clarke is someone that Raven needs. These last few months without her have been hell. Most of what they've been through on the ground has been hell, but at least when she's with Clarke it's bearable. Without her, Raven would rather not think about that any more.

Raven walks behind the bar herself to pour them some drinks. She can't help the thought of Gina that crosses her mind. She served her way too many drinks at this very bar and now she's gone. Raven will never get used to the loss of her people, even if it's been a fact of life since Day 1 on the Ark. Every life they've lost mattered and it feels like no one on the ground gives a damn. They're just another number when it comes to war talk. This many killed on the Ark, this many at the drop ship, this many in the mountain. That's all Raven hears. They don't care about their names or who they were, what they did, who they loved. Raven cares. She pours a third drink.

"For Gina," she raises her glass in a toast.

"For Gina," Clarke repeats her as their glasses clink together.

Raven's going to need more than one drink to forget the sight of the mountain blowing to smithereens; Gina and thirty-six other people she cared about dying with it.

They drink in silence for a while; one drink down, two, and another. Whoever said you can't drink away your sorrows was probably right, but you can definitely drink them into the next day.

"Do you hate me?" Clarke asks suddenly, stirring Raven from her stupor.

"No," Raven answers automatically.

She doesn't say I love you.

"I would understand if you did," Clarke says before pouring a fourth drink down her throat.

"I hated that you let Finn die, and for leaving us after the mountain. I've hated some of your choices. I've never hated you Clarke Griffin."

Raven's words are brutally honest. Maybe it's the alcohol. She still doesn't say I love you.

"Mostly I just missed you," she adds, downing her fourth drink too.

Clarke chokes a little, the straight alcohol burning her throat.

"I missed you too Raven."

Clarke smiles, briefly letting Raven know that the Clarke she missed is still in there. Wanheda is an invention in the minds of the grounders. The girl sitting next to her is not the Commander of Death. She's Clarke Griffin, the girl Raven loves.

They both take another drink before either of them says it.

"Have you seen Bellamy?" Raven asks.

Clarke shakes her head.

"Not since we got back yesterday. Why?" Clarke asks.

She's missed so much.

Raven clears her throat, "he and Gina, one of the girls that died in the mountain. They were kind of, together."

Clarke can feel her heart break again. Bellamy deserves to be happy. He doesn't deserve this, the life they have here on the ground.

"He's Bellamy Blake though," Raven speaks up again, "He'll pretend to be okay just like the rest of us."

Clarke knows Raven is right. They're all pretty good at pretending to be okay but Bellamy is one of the best. He'll drown his sorrows like they are right now and move on. He'll say that defeating the Ice Nation will avenge the deaths of all of their people. Clarke doesn't believe a death can be avenged, not really. They're still dead even if you slit the throat of the person who took their breath away. Clarke has a primal need for revenge, but she doesn't think it really does anything. Nothing will bring back the dead.

After their sixth drink they stumble off their chairs. Neither of them knows what to do next but something other than continue to abuse their livers is probably the right choice. Clarke offers Raven her hand to help her steady herself. Clarke knows she hates to accept help but she notices that Raven takes her hand without comment.

"What now?" Raven asks, "Surely we aren't just going to wait for that Ice bitch to just walk up in here and kill us all."

Clarke laughs.

Raven hasn't heard that laugh in so long. She remembers what things were like when Clarke used to laugh. When it was just a hundred teenagers on the ground and stopping the grounder attacks was as easy as blowing up the drop ship. It feels like it's been another ninety-seven years since the last time Clarke looked at her like she is in this moment.

"Now we make a plan," Clarke offers.

Their camp, Arkadia is different than when she left it. It's more developed and decidedly harder to navigate. Clarke doesn't know where anything is. She just follows Raven's lead. They walk for a while, Raven occasionally turning to the left or the right and continuing on their path. Clarke assumes Raven is looking for Kane and Abby but she doesn't actually know.

* * *

As they make their way slowly across the grass Clarke can feel Raven's nervous energy. She knows she wants to say something but she doesn't ask. Raven will speak up when she's ready.

"I'm sorry Lexa's dead," Raven spits out just as they spot Kane ahead of them.

Clarke just shakes her head. Raven doesn't have to be sorry about this. She has her reasons. She doesn't say anything.

"Not just because we're in trouble now."

Clarke knows that's code for I know you had something with her.

"Thanks," Clarke replies biting her lip, she doesn't want to talk about it right now.

She doesn't know how she feels really, not well enough to put into words. To say she misses Lexa would be too simple to sum up their complicated relationship.

"Clarke," Abby says with relief in her voice as they reach the spot where she and Kane had obviously just been having a heated conversation.

It takes less than a second and Abby's arms are wrapped around Clarke once again. She doesn't push her away this time. She won't admit it but she needs this. She rests her head on her mother's shoulder and just lets her hold her there. She smiles when she feels Raven's hand on her back.

She doesn't have to say I love you.

Clarke can hear Kane clear his throat. They have to talk; if they stand here hugging any longer they may as well open the gates and invite the Ice Nation Queen in to kill them. They need a plan.

Abby releases her and Clarke breathes a sigh of relief for the first time in at least forty-eight hours. She's been through a lot with her mother but at least for a second she can feel at home in her arms.

"I think they're going to wait for a while," Kane starts, "lull us into a sense of complacency, make us think the Ice Nation doesn't care about Skaikru and then attack when we're not ready."

Clarke cringes at Kane's use of the term Skaikru. They are the sky people but if the grounders are intent on killing them, they are not Skaikru.

"But we will be ready," Raven adds confidently.

"We'll certainly try," Kane says, smiling at her gumption.

Clarke admires Raven's arrogance. Her belief that she can do anything, and Clarke hopes she's right. They've taken enough from Raven already, if it's the last thing she does Clarke won't let them take her life too.

"We have to be prepared for anything," Abby speaks up, "we don't know what weapons the Ice Nation has in store for us."

"Abby's right," Kane says nodding, "we knew the Trikru, we don't know these people other than they are vicious and out for blood. They've killed the Commander but that's not enough for them. Jus drein jus daun, as they say, but we won't let them have our blood."

Clarke remembers Lexa saying those same words. She repeats them over and over again in her head. Yesterday she wanted peace for her people; today she'd like to see the Ice Nation Queen's blood run down her throat as she slices it open. Her mother's right though, they have no idea what to expect and that thought scares her the most.

Abby clears her throat; "I'll give a speech in the morning announcing Kane as my successor as chancellor. We need everyone to come together if we're going to have any chance of beating the Ice Nation and whatever other clans decide to side with them."

"While we wait for the Ice Nation to attack, we have to turn everything we possibly can into a weapon and everyone into a fighter. Octavia, Lincoln and Bellamy can train fighters. Raven, I'm sure you'll be keen to take the lead on turning things into weapons," Kane smirks at her as he says it.

If they're going to win this war, they're definitely going to need Raven. She's easily the smartest person they have on the ground. Clarke just hopes the Ice Nation doesn't have anyone smarter. She doubts it.

At dinner they eat mostly in silence. It's as if everyone is afraid to talk to Wanheda, but she's still Clarke. Raven seems intent on making her laugh, even when she has a mouth full of food. She's making faces and sticking out her tongue. Clarke thinks she's probably still a little drunk. It's helping though.

* * *

It's startling when the darkness falls over Arkadia. Tonight is technically her second night here but she can't remember anything about the night prior, and that's okay with her. Clarke feels more vulnerable in the dark, but she knows it doesn't matter. They're no more likely to get attacked in the dark than in the light; the grounders have no qualms about attacking in broad daylight.

"Need a place to sleep?" Raven asks, winking at Clarke.

She just nods. This camp, she has no place here, not yet. Raven is obviously willing to share whatever space she's laid claim to.

Clarke holds the other woman's hand and helps her into the makeshift bed she has setup for herself. She expects her to push her hand away but she doesn't. Raven just nods a thank you when she's settled on the bed. Clearly the explosion at the mountain hasn't helped her condition any. Clarke just wishes there was something more she could do to help her.

The bed Raven has created is clearly meant for one. She makes a move to lay on the floor but Raven gives her the side eye.

"Climb in Clarke," Raven says smiling.

Clarke obliges, her face incredibly close to Raven's, their feet already tangled together.

Raven can feel Clarke sigh into her body.

"We're gonna be okay Clarke," Raven whispers, one hand wrapped up in Clarke's hair, resting on her face.

Clarke knows she's lying for her sake. She doesn't believe her, but she appreciates it nonetheless.

"Yeah, we're gonna be okay," she lies back.

Clarke turns over, her body relaxing into Raven's as her arm wraps around her.

Raven doesn't have to say I love you.


End file.
